After a good few months of feeling fantastic and growing my business hugely in the last few months, I hit a bit of a curveball this last week. The familiar feelings of ‘Who am I to do this? People won’t believe me, they don’t trust me enough to take my advice, I’m a fraud’ were raising their ugly heads even though I’d worked intensively on them in the past.
While driving – which is when I get a huge amount of clarity on my thoughts, it hit me so hard I had to pull over. Of course my poor body and subconscious mind think’s I’m a fraud – and here’s why:
When I was just 16 I left home to live with a guy who was almost 15 years older than me. He charmed the socks off of me and I fell for him, partly because he treated me like a princess and made me feel like I’d always wanted to feel – important, sexy, worthwhile, confident and powerful – he was interested in me like no-one else ever had been, and gave me so much attention when I was recovering from my first ‘heart-break’ from a boy from school. A quick warning – this isn’t a nice story so if you’d rather not read it, just go to the last two paragraphs and miss the rest out.
I pretty much moved in with him straight away and my parents really liked him too. Everything was perfect. Or so it seemed. Within a month, we had our first huge row and he hit me. This was the start of huge arguments at least every two weeks, in fact if we got through a week of not having one, I felt lucky and like everything was going to be ok. It was a car crash of a life but I was young and became addicted to the drama and passion. Some differences to what you read about in the media though – he never apologised for his behaviour and he never hit me above the neck. This meant I became conditioned to the fact it was therefore my fault and there were never any visible signs I needed to cover up.
This went on for 2 and a half years and gradually got worse and worse. I would have actually left him, I even wrote a list of reasons why I should (which he found while going through my bag). I even DID leave him for 2 weeks while my parents went on holiday, but when they came back I moved back in with him. The problem was, about a year earlier, I’d had a huge argument with my sister and my parents had decided to side with her and effectively threw me out of the house. My belongings were packed up in black plastic bags and my childhood bedroom was re-decorated within weeks. The only reason we began speaking again was because it was my 18th Birthday party and I was guilt tripped into attending a celebration show for the wider relatives. I’ll never forget that fake photograph with my parents for as long as I live, even though I’ve forgiven them for it now.
When I called my parents to ask if I could come home, they obviously said I could. However, once I was there and after a few weeks of the strain of this guy calling at 2am (in the days before mobile phones), turning up at my house claiming he didn’t know what he’d done wrong, my parents began to doubt me. They never actually asked me about the violence, only once when we were having an argument at 2am when they said, ‘You have no idea what this is doing to us.’
When I asked them what it was doing, there was no hurt or regret about the fact their little girl had been subjected to abuse for 2.5 years. Can you imagine hearing that – your parents being more concerned about their lack of sleep than your trauma and hurt. When I blew up about this, they said the most hurtful words – that they didn’t believe me that this had even happened. When I questioned them about the visible marks they had seen (he broke the rules during that last argument and left a bite mark on my chin and finger marks around my neck from where he’s tried to strangle me. I can’t even remember what they said, but I know there were no apologies, no hugs or sympathy, I was just left with the clear message that they didn’t believe me, they must have thought it was a one off that night and even that I had bought it all on myself – I’d always been a trouble maker and attention seeker after all.
My life changed that day. This was honestly far worse than the abuse, than every argument, dinner thrown at the wall, humiliations in public and behind closed doors, threats or taunts. This was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
My parents and I are OK now. It took a long time – I lived at home for another 2 years before I moved to London and they were testing times. My parents had no idea I got into drugs and used to drink myself into oblivion. I was on anti-depressants (thank goodness) and credit the horse I rode as literally saving my life – he was the only one who understood, accepted and loved me, and he couldn’t even talk! I slowly started to make friends again (I’d been forced to cut myself off from all my own friends while I was with my ex). I’ll always be grateful to one special friend who helped me through they dark times, then an amazing group of people I met locally who looked after me and accepted me in to their fold, even though a lot of our socialising revolved around more drugs and alcohol. Eventually I moved to London and started again – still depressed, still drinking but slowly less and then no drugs and eventually, after meeting my now husband I managed to come off the anti-depressants enough for him to realise I was worth taking a punt on and we eventually moved in together and got married. It took A LOT of work for me to believe I was loveable. Learning to love myself first was the biggest breakthrough on my tough journey to happiness.
Fast forward 16 years and I’m living in beautiful Buckinghamshire with my gorgeous family. I’m as happy as I could possibly be on some days, frustrated and stressed on others but nothing too far from the norm of a passionate and busy entrepreneurial woman.
Releasing the deeply rooted fraud complex was a huge thing for me to work through and who knows if it will ever be completely gone. My programming taught me – I am a fraud, I must be – if my own Mum and Dad don’t believe me over something like that, how on earth are people out there going to believe what I’m saying is worth listening to!
I still thank God every day that I have these wonderful tools and techniques I use on myself and my clients, and that my coach uses on me. With these I know I can get through anything, and with that mindset I make sure it happens. Maybe it will ALWAYS be there and will come back again, but I’m confident this must surely be one of the last few pieces of the puzzle – a pretty big one at least that many others will slot around! The very deep work I’ve done never ceases to amaze me when I use it to continue to help myself and give my clients breakthroughs.
I am now so grateful for my life and my experiences – I hold no hard feelings towards my ex but in all honestly the lack of belief in me from my parents is something I wish I hadn’t and didn’t have to deal with but on the flip side it has made me the deeply compassionate and kind person I am today. Whatever life throws at us, I believe with the right support we can get thought it – I’ve seen it so many times. Because of my own trauma and how it’s played out in my life, it’s now my life’s work to help others breakthrough their trauma and past programming around belief and fraud complex and so much more so that they can have the business and life they desire and deserve.
Wherever your journey started or has taken you from and to, I’m here to walk it with you.
Email me now if you want to make this journey together.